Summer Weddings and What to Wear

Proper etiquette nowadays fluctuates from person to person. There’s hardly a one-size-fits-all standard anymore. With blended families and other concerns, even the seating arrangement at weddings can be a maze of upset-the-fruit-basket. I’ve had some interesting weddings. There was the one when the bride’s veil caught on fire. Instead of snuffing her side of the Unity Candle in the holder, she blew and her veil went right into the flame. Things went up in smoke, literally, before our very eyes. However, the little glitches that happen at weddings are no big deal really. Weddings are like that, and the couple’s love for one another completely overshadows the snafus. Things happen. Indecorum occurs when people are either intentionally insensitive to others, or they just don’t know the proper etiquette.
We do want to do things right, don’t we? I want to know if a party requires casual dress or formal attire. There’s nothing as awkwardly obvious as a minister decked out in formal clerical garb at a casual garden party. It puts a damper on the festivities to be sure, and telegraphs a not-so-subtle assessment of the affair. For the most part, we want to fit in rather than stand out. We applaud those who know the rules, have discriminating taste, and are connoisseurs of acceptable standards of decorum.
But what if you don’t know the rules? What do you do when you aren’t sure what to do and the latest edition of Amy Vanderbilt doesn’t cover your etiquettical dilemma? It makes sense to me to enjoy the party and go with the flow. Sometimes good etiquette has spoiled an otherwise fine time. We can have such discriminating taste that we end up eating alone. What a bad idea. Is it better to be right, or to be included? An even bigger question is whether or not we value being inclusive over discrimination.
Wouldn’t you rather have your long-lost friend show up at your party with dungarees and dirt than not be there at all? Maybe they didn’t hear about it until the last minute. Maybe they were helping someone in an emergency. Nevertheless, my guess is that you would rather see them than what they were wearing. That’s the nature of friendship. Friendship looks past the outer trimmings and values the friend.
Don’t get me wrong. I like rules. I wouldn’t be our Conference’s Parliamentarian if I didn’t. I wouldn’t be teaching the Book of Discipline to seminary students at Emory if I was an antinomian. However, when worse comes to worse, and shove comes to shove, I say, “Let decorum move over if friendship is at stake.” Dress codes promote elitism as much as sexism promotes gender inequities, and racism falsely touts the inherent superiority of one group over another. Don’t let a buddy’s tee shirt attire cause you to bump him from the guest list. Jesus ate with all kinds of people and the ones who gave him the worst time weren’t the dressed-down but the dressed-up.
Our United Methodist motto is “Open Hearts, Open Minds, and Open Doors!” Let’s open our arms to everyone and practice a Jesus-like reverse discrimination. That’s an etiquette that will never go out of style.

Saying What You Mean, and Meaning What You Say

As I embark on a new week of lecturing and learning with my classes at Emory, I’m hoping to communicate clearly. I’ll also be preaching Wednesday night at Cannon Chapel. I have been known to stick my foot in my mouth. I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone.

I know a few preachers, and I resemble the remark, that can get so tongue-tied that what’s said is barely intelligible. In the homiletics field a verbal faux-pas is called a “spoonerism.” Examples include: A lack of pies (A pack of lies), It’s roaring with pain (It’s pouring with rain), and Wave the sails (Save the whales). They are named after the Rev. W.A. Spooner who lived from 1844 to 1930. He served as Dean and Warden of New College at Oxford University. He was said to unknowingly make verbal slips frequently. His verbal goofs were especially legendary at chapel services. Once when officiating at a wedding it was reported that he gave the following directions to the groom: “Son, it is now kisstomary to cuss the bride.” How awful!

Preachers aren’t the only ones who say things that are taken the wrong way. One of my favorite stories of miscommunication is the one about a “snowbird” from the North who wanted a week’s vacation at a Florida campground, but was concerned about the accommodations. Uppermost in this person’s mind were the toilet facilities, but the person was too proper to write “toilet” in a letter to the campground owner. The inquirer finally abbreviated “bathroom commode” to “BC” and asked in the letter if the campground had its own “BC.” The campground owner was baffled by this euphemism, so he showed it around, but nobody knew what it meant. Finally, someone said, “Oh, that’s simple. ‘BC’ means ‘Baptist Church.’ The letter writer is asking whether the campground has its own Baptist Church.” So the owner sat down and wrote: “To Whom It May Concern: I'm sorry about the delay in answering your letter, but I am pleased to inform you that a BC is located just nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They’re going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say that it pains me greatly not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community.”

How can we straighten out our communication before we let the ship hit the sand? Key to both good communication and love is listening, thinking things through before they’re said (or written). Someone said that fifty years after his family had left Germany, Walter Kissinger was asked why he didn’t share his famous brother Henry’s heavy German accent. “I,” he replied, “am the Kissinger who listens.” Amen!

Ups and Downs/Downs and Ups

I've been up and I've been down lately. Some of you know that I was the nominee from South Carolina as a Bishop in the United Methodist Church. I wasn't elected, but was second throughout the election - painful yet I'm better for the experience. The affirmation from laity and clergy from SC and across the church has been phenomenal. I appreciate everyone who helped. Folks have been saying that I should decide now to go through this gauntlet four years from now. Who knows? On a personal level, no way. However if it was true, and I think it was - that this was something I felt called to do on the day before the election, then it's still true today or I was delusional to begin with. Thank God for friends and a wonderful family who have been faithful the whole way, and have reminded me of God's consistent and gracious call.

To think about being a nominee again so quickly is about as appropriate as telling a couple who just experienced a miscarriage to move on because they can have other children. That's not a comforting thought when it's heard so soon after a loss. I'll pray and keep seeking the Lord's guidance. That's the downer of the past ten days, and also the upper with the affirmation of God and so many good people.

The other up and down roller coaster has been leaving Lake Junaluska to travel immediately to Atlanta to teach at Emory. I teach "Theology in the Wesleyan Spirit" in the mornings to Course of Study students, and "UM Discipline and Polity" in the afternoons to M.Div. candidates. This has been great, and tiring in a good way. The students are co-learners with me, but I have been simply beat from the emotional stress of the past year.

Then I found out Thursday my middle brother Ralph needed emergency open-heart surgery, so I tore out of here yesterday and headed back to SC to see him. The surgery was a complete success. I have seen him three times in the past 24 hours, and he has already been moved to a room. I am so thankful.

Now I'm back in Atlanta to grade papers and ponder where God is in all of our ups and downs. God is present. God doesn't cause bad things to happen, but does what God does best and that is to help us get through things, all by grace. That's where I am right now and hope to stay.